Explaining to my kids that their mother had died of a totally preventable circumstance was hard, really hard. They too were overweight, and destined to have the same fate if they didn’t do something about it soon. The kids whom were 23 and 25 we’re very upset. Very upset is a huge understatement. Ken my oldest didn’t go back to work for a week. Blake my younger son was put into a deep spiral of depression. I was just praying that he wasn’t upstairs listening to Korn, and slicing up his wrists. I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted to help them ease the pain of losing their mom, but the only way I knew how was to make food. I made desserts for them, and brought home cookies & ice-cream. Meanwhile, I would tell them that the doctor didn’t know what he was talking about. I’d mention regularly that mom had some heart problems in her side of the family. I found myself regularly convincing myself and the kids that bad eating habits with a lack of exercise wasn’t the cause of my wife’s death. I found myself buying into that way of thinking. It was the past of least resistance… I guess.
College Drop Out
My son Blake dropped out of college about a month after she died. He was found with his death metal music blasting in his dorm room with his wrists slit open. Blake barely escaped death that afternoon. I tried to blame that heavy metal junk band Korn that he would always listen to. I mean just look at this video:
If that doesn’t suggest suicide than I don’t know what does. I thought immediately that this music should be banned across the nation. It is freaking disgusting how that person is mutilating themselves. Let me remind you that this is a very popular song with over 15 million views on YouTube.
I’m going to cut myself and watch the blood hit the ground
The above quote is from approximately 1:18 through the song. Just disgusting what kind of crap is all over the internet. I was convinced that it was that hateful, suggestive, and violent music that drove my son to try to kill himself.
Dealing with it myself
Ken was a totally different kid; he was athletic, strong and funny. He was definitely upset, but didn’t have nearly the same reaction as Blake. Dealing with it myself was much different. I found myself getting fatter by the day. I was eating whatever I could find to make myself feel better. I felt guilty for eating that way; to deal with the guilt of eating crap I had to eat more and more. There was so many empty wrappers in the backseat of my car that I no one could even sit back there. I wasn’t suicidal, but I was definitely depressed.
Next I turned to alcohol. I never really cared for drinking, because I always thought it was more enjoyable to eat my calories. Drinking my calories away wasn’t my thing. Drinking felt good though, and it got my mind off of everything that was going on. One Tuesday afternoon I had called out of work when I heard a knock on the door. I was freaking out because I thought it was my boss checking up on me. I peaked out the window to see Ken standing there. I thought to myself “I don’t want him to see me like this,” and acted like no one was home.
Ken yelled “Dad, if you don’t open this door then I’ll kick it down!” Sure enough I opened the door. He could tell immediately that I was drunk. Hell I was a complete mess with chocolate stains all over my shirt while stinking of booze. Ken literally slapped me across the face. I was shocked that he would do such a thing. He said…
Dad, get your shit together… I’m picking you up at 9:00am tomorrow. We’re going to the gym.